THE phone lines had just opened and I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! was plodding along in its usual disappointing fashion on Thursday when something unexpected finally happened.
But not in a good way.
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Ant visibly flinched as he linked to a Dingo Dollar Challenge “with a difference”.
“It’s all about Jumanji,” he announced through what looked like gritted teeth.
“Sorry, what?” asked Dec, in similar fashion.
“It’s a brand tie-in,” replied Ant, desperately hurrying to the VT.
Well, that’s certainly one way of describing what ITV had just done to its biggest show.
'A WASTE OF £500,000'
“Being taken for a commercial ride,” would be another, given The Rock’s “biggest fan” Jacqueline Jossa was magically selected to take part in the Dingo Dollar advertorial.
What this crashing plug really amounted to, though, was an admission money trumped entertainment, which had been pretty thin on the ground anyway since day one, when they promised us “three weeks of complete and utter mayhem”.
A dumb thing to suggest, given it was obvious before the show even started ITV’s notoriously useless bookers had created a lovely looking WhatsApp group but a lousy looking light-entertainment show.
If I’m being charitable, only four were anything like I’m A Celeb quality: Caitlyn Jenner, James Haskell, Kate Garraway and Ian Wright.
But even they presented their own problems. Haskell was big enough to pacify Wrighty, the series’ one real character, and Jenner was a waste of £500,000 as she had everyone treading on PC eggshells and queuing up to assure us she was “an amazing, amazing woman”.
Most of the rest were merely present and it was hard to have an opinion about almost any of them. Especially Adele, who had a picture of Jane McDonald rather than a personality, and Oddboddish Myles, who seemed to be using “the experience of a lifetime” to get his own cookery show. Not the reason most people would go in there.
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But a lot of this year’s contestants were young, tearful, mollycoddled, over-entitled, insecure products of our woke times and were treated accordingly by the production team, who bombarded the poor homesick little lambs with fry-ups, roast dinners, care packages, letters from home and so much food, most of them left the camp sounding like they’d just spent a fortnight at The Palms in Vegas.
Roman: “That was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
Andy: “I loved every single minute of it.” Myles: “It’s been the most beautiful time of my life.”
Which was lovely for them but dull as hell for us, no matter how much they banged on about the “emotional rollercoaster ride” and missing their ruddy kids.
Nor did it help Ant & Dec, who tried their brilliant best to inject laughter and running gags into the show. This, though, was one series of I’m A Celeb not even they could save.
On Sunday it ended, appropriately enough, with victory for Jacqueline Jossa, who probably hoovered up the “Gloria Gaynor” block vote on account of her husband Dan Osborne’s off-screen shenanigans, which were far more interesting than anything that happened on screen.
If this flat, tearful, commercially driven series got the winner it deserved, it certainly didn’t get the right epitaph from Ant.
“One thing’s for sure,” he claimed confidently at the end, “We’ll never forget the class of 2019.”
And with that, I’d forgotten them.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
- Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In 2018, it was announced that Olivia Colman will play Queen Elizabeth II in the third series of which Netflix drama?” Michelle: “The Tudors.”
- Cash Trapped, Bradley Walsh: “In the body, incisors and molars are types of what?”
Mel: “Toes.” - Ben Shephard: “Surrounded by a transparent jelly, the eggs of which amphibians are referred to as frogspawn?” Michelle: “Pass.”
- And Ben Shephard: “Which Shakespearean title character did Claire Danes play in the 1996 film directed by Baz Luhrmann?” John: “She was the detective.” Ah yes, from that great Shakespearean tragedy Romeo And The Detective.
A FEW points to make regarding the BBC2 continuity announcer’s plug for Gemma Collins’ podcast, which kicked in during The Apprentice: You’re Fired credits.
“I’ve got a great podcast to tell you about.” You haven’t.
“It’s so entertaining.” It’s not.
“Was Gemma Collins an elephant in a past life?” PAST?
Nish, no laughin' matter
FEELGOOD television story of the week?
Nish Kumar getting booed off stage at the Lord’s Taverners charity dinner. Proof he really hasn’t been paying attention to his Mash Report audience.
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If he had, Nish would’ve noticed they’re not laughing, they’re applauding in furious agreement about just how much they also hate the Tories, Boris, Trump and Brexit.
Those of us who don’t share any of these left-wing prejudices, of course, are just meant to sit and meekly accept the abuse and the fact that all the least funny, most obnoxious and radioactively smug people on TV suddenly seem to have decided they’re the nation’s new moral compass and we’re racist bigots.
What’s brilliant about the Lord’s Taverners story and accompanying internet footage of the audience is they refuse to play ball. At the point the clip kicks in, Nish has already lost them and is, as always, playing the race card.
Half the crowd are booing, the other half are begging him to say something funny, as if he might suddenly turn into Robin Williams.
'THE SMUGGEST OFFENDER'
A great comedian could still have turned it round and adjusted their material, of course.
But Nish Kumar is neither great nor even a comedian. He’s a left-wing propagandist who cannot function outside of the tiny BBC/Channel 4 echo chamber, so he has to be ushered off stage by the tombola bloke in red livery.
It could’ve happened to any one of a number of C4/BBC “comedians”, obviously. The Tez O’Clock Show, The Last Leg, Have I Got News For You and Frankie Boyle’s New World Order are all just as biased and unpleasant as The Mash Report.
Nish is by far the smuggest offender, though, and if the BBC is ever going to make a mass audience laugh again, instead of just lecturing us, it needs to learn the Lord’s Taverners lesson and carve these words on a comedy gravestone: “Ladies and gentlemen, Nish Kumar. It’s time for us to draw the raffle.”
Great TV lies and delusions of the week
- It’s Not The Robbie Williams Christmas Show: “I love him, you love him, we all love him – it’s Jamie Cullum.”
- The Apprentice, Dean “Erm” Ahmad: “Lord Sugar’s missed out on me. Young, fiery, creative.”
- And Good Morning Britain’s very own viking burial mound, Piers Morgan: “My tombstone epitaph will be, ‘Here lies Piers Morgan. He had good abdominals’.” Or rather: “Here lies Piers Morgan. Graveyard’s full.”
Robbie's the s-elf at Xmas
THE title of ITV’s It’s Not The Robbie Williams Christmas Show was loaded with all sorts of obvious threats.
He would sing and smirk and then sing some more.
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But even I wasn’t prepared for the ego, which I blame fairly and squarely on his wife Ayda Field who, Robbie claimed: “Gave me the gift of loving myself.”
And certainly didn’t need to keep the receipt.
The comedy segments were another endurance, featuring his dad, Jamie Cullum, Ant & Dec and David Walliams, who’d dressed up as an obsessive female fan, but was nothing like as terrifying as the real thing, Julie from Norfolk, who Robbie winched out of the audience for a burst of Something Stupid. Then instantly regretted it.
His own fault. Robbie suggested, “Do whatever you want”, and she took him at his word.
To the audible shock of the crowd, Julie was over him, under him, round him and very nearly up him. And hell knows where it would’ve ended if Robbie hadn’t drawn things to a close with the instruction: “Take a bow, Julie.”
Then take a sedative, take a cold shower and take your head out of his fundament. There’s no room at the inn.
I’M A Celeb, Jungle Radio trial: “What song was number one when Kate Garraway was born?” Bzzzz.
Greensleeves?
Random TV irritations
- Michael McIntyre’s Big Show resorting to stunted-up wedding proposals.
- Stephen Mangan’s vivid new hair colour hosting Have I Got News For You (Anthracite Smug).
- Robbie Williams wearing an “RW” earpiece on his ITV Christmas special.
- The all white and male Last Leg team condemning the not all white and male Nato gathering for being too white and male.
- And Channel 4 becoming so poisoned by its anti-Boris bias it’s confecting racist quotes and asking us to believe none of the Goggleboxers watched Andrew Neil emptying Jeremy Corbyn, on prime-time, but they all spontaneously tuned in to see Stanley Johnson make a d*** of himself on Victoria Derbyshire’s morning show. This “public service broadcaster” is no longer fit for purpose.
Great Sporting Insights
Compiled by Graham Wray
- Rio Ferdinand: “It was a lacklustrous start to the game.”
- Paul Merson: “Nigel Pearson will come in and rattle some feathers.”
- John Parrott: “Look at their midfield. They’ll run all day for 90 minutes.”
TV Gold
- BBC2’s stylish, brutal and funny Giri/Haji daring to be different and never lapsing into political correctness.
- Glenda Jackson’s astounding performance in BBC1’s Elizabeth Is Missing, making you wonder why she wasted her time with politics.
- Television’s ultimate professional, Jim Rosenthal, bossing Amazon’s football coverage.
- Challenge TV repeating the classic 1982 episode of Bullseye where the third-placed couple, from Tredegar in South Wales win the speedboat.
- And Brian Cox arriving back from a mid-show slash on Have I Got News For You to ask Hislop: “Do you get a lot of that? People going to the loo?” Millions of us, Brian, since it stopped being funny in 2012.
Lookalikes
THIS week’s winner is Kate Garraway and David Bowie.
Sent in by Andy Gray and Andrew Swinburne.
Picture research: Amy Reading.
YOU'RE FIRED CORBYN
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MURDER PROBE
Man held for murder of boy, 12, after school hit-and-run found asleep in car
DEATH SMASH
Two dead & 3 seriously hurt after horror late-night crash between car and Jeep
CRUNCH TIME
Latest poll shows Boris Johnson's lead narrowing with three days to go
JET MYSTERY
Plane carrying 38 passengers VANISHES en route from Chile to Antarctica
BATTERED
Tourist left in pool of blood after slamming ‘underage’ women at Thai strip barTV quiz
What was David Attenborough describing here on Seven Worlds, One Planet: “A resourceful little bird with an unusual diet. Fleas, ticks and even dandruff are food, as far as they’re concerned.”
A) The yellow-billed oxpecker of sub-Saharan Africa.
B) Kate Moss.
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